One thing I’ve noticed over the years is the great divide between the kind of wives we have raised our girls to be and the kind of husbands we have raised our men to be.
Women know the basics of being a good wife, men know little to nothing about being a husband. From childhood, women have been trained to keep a home and nurture little ones, bearing an indecent share of the workload, while men have been trained to simply drop money on the table. If the only skill handed down is financial provision, what happens to spiritual leadership, emotional support, parenting as a father etc.
There are many men who though Christian by name still subscribe to the idea that their wives should be the spiritual person in the home, because they’ve seen this in their own homes or modeled in movies. So, the woman is left to do it all. And since she is left holding the bag, she therefore must be trained to choose right. It is better for her to be single than to be married to a man who has no clue how to be a husband beyond dropping money and having sex.
Hopefully, we can raise the next generation better, but not without first addressing and healing the divide in this one, so we don’t pass down the trend. Therefore, before you marry any man in this generation, even if he genuinely loves you, seek to find out how he has been prepared and how he is actively preparing to be a good husband.
So here are three non negotiable you must stand on before you marry him:
Spiritual Leadership
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:25-27 KJV
Beyond what he has seen modeled in his home if he is fortunate to come from a good home where male leadership is properly modeled, how else is he open to learning and growth? Does he read books and/or listen to sound teachings? Does he study the Bible and listen to the Holy Spirit? And do these learnings reflect in his choices and behavior?
You’re not yet in a relationship, ask “what are you currently learning?”, “what spiritual skill are you practicing?”, “in what area are you growing or seeking growth as a person?”
Share messages not just funny memes, ask for feedback, what did you think about that message?
By the response you get, you’d know if this person has depth and is being trained for life and marriage. Even if he doesn’t have a perfect answer to these questions, if it stirs a desire for growth in him, it’s a good sign. But if it looks like you’re asking too much, you better reconsider this choice.
Buy two copies of a book and say let’s read together. Have dates and conversations where you’re sharing what you’re learning and understanding each other’s perspectives to life, love , marriage, parenting. Even you need those books, there’s so much more to being a wife and mother than cooking and cleaning.
If you’re satisfied with just wining and dining during courtship, then after marriage, you suddenly want someone that leads family devotions or pray in tongues over you, you might end up disappointed.
Emotional Safety & Security
Many men find it easier to give their money than their heart. Money can be made again, their heart however is buried deep.
If you’re content with him not verbally expressing love , not communicating openly and honestly, having anger outbursts, not being emotionally available or invested, or all other signs of emotional immaturity, just because he buys you something nice every now and then, you will regret having to live with that for the rest of your life.
Marriage is so much more about emotional intimacy than it is about financial provision, but in todays world where men have been raised to emotionally disconnect, many women find themselves with a shelter, food, clothing yet still feel alone.
Therefore increasing emotional connection and support is something you must require and never stop requiring. Yes, he must call you everyday no matter how busy he is, before he closes his eyes to sleep, he should be able to text “hey love, just checking in, how are you?”
He must be able to provide that emotional security that he is yours and yours alone. He must be able to provide that emotional security that you’re priority, the number one human before all others, and not just by words but with matching actions. Require it, let him know it, don’t be afraid to express your expectations and desires, so that you won’t settle in disappointment after the knots are tied.
He must be willing and able to listen to you, reassure of his love, his desire and his commitment to you. Yes you should be his closest confidant, the one to whom he unburdens and is purely himself.
If you can’t feel safe and secure in his love for you, if you’re unsure of his commitment, if you find yourself constantly wondering if he’s really invested because he doesn’t always seem to be, something is very wrong. Don’t overlook it, address it.
A man that cannot provide emotional security for you in courtship won’t provide it in marriage. He’d leave the door open for bad in laws or bad friends and family to prey on you. Your emotions should matter to him., and it starts in courtship by being emotionally available and consistent. You should talk and connect at least once each day, at the very minimum.
If he can’t seem to keep up, let him know kindly and respectfully that this is a deal breaker for you. He either steps up or leave. And you should never be afraid to let a man walk away.
P.S: if this is a blessing to you, don’t wait, pay it forward by sharing it with others.
Domestic Partnership
You’re dating a man who cannot even feed himself or do his own laundry, vacuum or clean his home, you’re signing up for modern day slavery.
Sure you may be able to do it all when it’s just you and him but what happens when you’re pregnant, nursing a new born, juggling career/business with it all.
Make no mistake , you’re an equal partner in the faith, in life and in marriage and this should reflect in every aspect.
“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”
1 Peter 3:7 NLT
“In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]”
1 Peter 3:7 AMPC
Treating you with honor and consideration definitely applies in household chores. I’m not talking about splitting duties 50/50, but in the commitment to also serve you in love as you’re serving him. A man should not think he is more important than you therefore you should be subservient to him, cooking and cleaning while he stretches his feet on the couch changing channels, waiting to be served.
“But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.”
Matthew 23:11 KJV
Likewise, you also shouldn’t think you’re more important than him. You both should have the mindset of serving each other in love. Galatians 5:13 says “through love serve one another”
Submission isn’t slavery. It’s willing surrender, willing honor, willing preference because of a man’s role of headship.
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Ephesians 5:22-24 KJV
On the other hand, Love isn’t dominating, it’s service. It’s sacrifice. It’s cherishing, nourishing by spending yourself on the one you love.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”
Ephesians 5:25-29 KJV
While dating, observe, can he cook? Can he clean? Does he have a system that organizes his life? Basic survival skills a human should possess. Even if he can’t cook, is he willing to learn? Is he open to outsourcing? Or has he concluded it’s his wife’s job. Even if he can cook and clean, does he still consider it a woman’s job? You want to know these things.
In summary, what are you looking out for?
Can he lead me spiritually? Is he committed to his own growth enough to be able to commit to mine?
Is he willing to consistently provide emotional security?
Is he willing to provide domestic partnership?
Ask him. Observe him. Listen to what he’s saying and Believe him.
That last part, very important, please believe him! Don’t think you can change him.
With Christ’s exotic love,
Mrs Omoghene
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