My husband and I were friends for 4 years before we got into a relationship. The first 3 years was more of a casual friendship, but the last year was when things got more intimate and I got to interact more closely with him, enough to determine that I could pursue a relationship with him.
Here are some of the things that made it such an easy yes for me:
1. Commitment: the first thing I noticed about him was his commitment to the things of God. During holidays (he attended university in another state), he was always present in our home church. He was part of a service unit where he served faithfully. He was involved in evangelisms and all the opportunities to serve that was available. I could see that we shared the same passion towards kingdom service. And after 7 years of Courtship and 8 years of marriage, that hasn’t changed.
If you are a follower of Christ, you need to be yoked with someone who is following just as hard. Not someone who will complain about the demands of time, effort and money that service puts on you. He or she shouldn’t just be accepting of your service, they should be passionately serving as well.
How a person serves Christ doesn’t only tell you about their faith, it also tells you about their work ethic and commitment to other aspects of their lives. If they show up and give their best to a service that doesn’t pay physical money straightaway, and they do it with joy and excellence, there’s a high chance that they will carry on that commitment into other aspects of their lives – including their relationship with you.
2. Character : sure there are many people who are consistent in serving physically in their local church, but do not display character worthy of Christ. Jesus himself said
“Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.”
Matthew 7:21-23 KJV
Commitment to service may get you to notice someone, but you shouldn’t commit until you assess their character. Do they display the fruits of the Spirit in growing measure. Are they loving towards others? Joyful or always wearing a long face? Peaceful or always causing/promoting trouble? Patient under pressure? Showing acts of kindness towards others? Good to people?etc. See Galatians 5:22-23 for the full list.
If you’re just meeting this person or just beginning to get close, these are things to observe as they interact with you and others. These are not questions to ask, because no one will tell you, “I’m a wicked and mean person”. Observe them, listen to the stories they share as they talk about themselves, their families, their day etc. And look for evidences of the fruit of the spirit in some measure.
You will not be able to 100% tell their character without a prolonged friendship, but if there is no trace of wickedness, controlling or manipulative behavior, you can still pursue a relationship and keep your eyes open as you get to know them better. Don’t expect perfection, but expect a willingness to admit mistakes and a desire to grow.
3. Consistency : Another thing that made it an easy yes was his consistency towards me. His yes was his yes and his no was his no. He consistently displayed that it was me he wanted and no one else. I didn’t have to guess my place in his life, he made it crystal clear. He consistently pursued me, called me everyday, sent me recharge cards, bought little and big gifts, and let me know outrightly that he was into me and all about me.
You shouldn’t say yes to anyone who leaves you wondering whether they really want you or not. You shouldn’t say yes to anyone who doesn’t show that he is exclusive to you. A man that wants you won’t make you wonder. His behavior will match his words. He won’t ask you for a relationship today then disappear with no communication for a week. He won’t be sweet to you today and mean tomorrow. He won’t toy with your heart, but treat it as his treasure to guard.
4. Check up: a basic knowledge of the person’s state of health is another very important thing to consider. Before I said yes to courtship, I asked “what’s your genotype?” This was important to me because mine is AS and I knew that it’s advisable for me to marry only an AA. Genotype and blood group are important considerations to make before saying yes to anyone.
I was of the opinion that it’s best for me to choose someone whose genotype and blood group was a good match, than to start praying and fasting to change the genotype of someone that isn’t compatible. Is it possible that someone’s genotype can change after prayers? Absolutely. I’ve seen several testimonies of that. However, it’s best to ensure that you’ve been tested and the genotype has changed to a favorable one before you commit your heart in a relationship.
Don’t waste your time or endanger your unborn children by seeking to be married to someone whose health status isn’t compatible to yours. It’s not worth it.
5. Communion : are there evidences of a personal relationship with Jesus? This is not about works but about his walk! Is this someone you can pray with and discuss the word with and feel safe being wholly spiritual around, without fear of being perceived as “too much”. Does his lifestyle reflect a relationship with The Lord?
Another aspect of this communion is yours. Have you prayed and asked God if you should go into a relationship with this person? One prayer I prayed in the early days of our relationship that solidified my choice was this “Lord, reveal him to me”. And God did. He gave me a few scriptural confirmations about my husband and peace in my heart (even when my head was unsure). My head had questions like “his age, my age, would this work etc? But in my heart, deep down inside there was just that quiet assurance and knowing that this is it.
Even after breaking up twice because of the emotional affair I had, you can read that here or watch it here, God still brought us back together. And in spite of the several challenges we’ve faced as a couple, I know that I chose the right person for me.
Therefore, after considering his commitment, his character, his consistency, maybe even his culture, and essentials like genotype, at the end of the day, don’t make this choice without communing with your Father, because only He knows the end from the beginning.
Finally…
This isn’t an exhaustive list for what to consider before and even after saying yes to a courtship (as courtship is only the beginning). However, in the “Identify Mr Right” course, I teach extensively on all the important things to consider before you decide to marry someone.
I answer questions such as:
- what if I’m not attracted to him?
- How do I know if he truly loves me (I share the non negotiable evidences of true love).
- How do I uncover his habits and baggages?
- How do I know if our purpose aligns?
- What should I consider in the aspect of finances?
It’s the total package. IMR leaves no stone unturned. And in addition to the course, you also get free access to the mini course “Is he God’s will for me?” This extensively dissect the question of God’s role in the choosing of a spouse. And to cap it all, you also get a free downloadable pdf “37 questions to get answers to before saying yes” to help you take action on everything you learn in the course. All these are ready for you right away!
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I know you learnt a thing or two from this article. Please share it on your social media channels to bless other singles contemplating this life changing choice. I will deeply appreciate that. Also feel free to drop a comment and ask any questions.
With Christ’s exotic love,
Wonuola Omoghene.