In the past couple of years, I have seen firsthand what makes marriage very different from courtship. How the spark that makes courtship fun and exciting, can fizzle out as years go by in marriage.
One difference that stands out to me is what I’d like to call the “feeling-action cycle”.
In courtship, all your actions are based on the good feelings you effortlessly have for this person you’re just getting to know.
Whereas in marriage, you have to intentionally act in ways that would sustain and reinforce the good feelings (keep the spark).
Feelings of love are not self sustaining, they require intentional actions to stay alive. Without loving actions, loving feelings will fizzle out, and without loving feelings, all actions become a chore.Omowonuola Omoghene
It is typical that at the beginning of a marriage, loving actions flow out of us freely, however, as the responsibilities and external factors increase e.g work, kids, In-laws etc, our loving actions begin to wane because we are waiting until we feel like being loving to act lovingly.
We cannot however feel like being loving as often as we should under the influence of the afore mentioned circumstances.
How then do we keep the spark (or loving feelings) in our marriage?
I would suggest with routine loving actions whether we feel like it or not.
Here are some RLA you should do with/for your spouse
#1. Kissing and Non sexual touching.
Do not allow kissing and touching to be reserved for foreplay only. They should be a routine part of your interaction with each other, if you want to keep tensions high and sparks constantly flying.
Kiss before either of you leaves and when you reunite and as often as you can throughout your day. Always sit close to each other when you’re relaxing, so you can touch lovingly and lightly as you interact.
#2. Engage in frequent emotional conversations:
It is very easy to fall into the rut of discussing kids, work, the weather, family etc, that there is little or no time to talk to each other about each other.
If you’re wondering where to begin, there are tons of questions online that you could ask each other. Just google ”date night questions”, and you would find tons of resources.
Never think you know it all about your spouse, ask away, their response may shock or thrill you. And even when you know their response, your emotional connection deepens just as you talk to each other, especially about each other.
#3. Create new shared experiences:
A new game you could play together, a new place to visit, a new activity to try. Make new explorations a routine as much as possible, to keep things new, fresh and exciting.
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#4. Never skip on Admiration and Appreciation:
See something you like, mention it. Your spouse does something helpful, mention it, even if it is considered their duty.
The expression of admiration is one of the most overlooked things in marriage, but it is so crucial to keeping the love alive, because admiration is what fueled your attraction in the first place.
#5. Just because gifts:
Make room for inexpensive but thoughtful gifts you can give to each other weekly, bi weekly or monthly.
No one hates having something new often. And its especially special when your spouse notices something you need or like, and gets it before you could even ask.
There are few things that can turn up the spark like a thoughtful, surprise gift 🎁, that says “I’ve been thinking of you”.
#6. Text, Text, Text:
See something funny, text it. Have a flirty thought, text it immediately. Just thinking of him, text it. This is the easiest way to connect with each other throughout the day and to keep thinking about each other.
Bring a smile to your spouse’s face with a simple unexpected text each day. It’d keep you longing for each other’s company.
#7. Publicly display your affection:
Take advantage of social media to make your spouse feel special. Let them feature on your posts every now and then, with words of love, praise, admiration.
And as occasion warrants, even in the company of other people, do not withhold words of admiration and affection for your spouse. Your love for each other should never be a secret, openly and publicly display it.
But our spark is already gone…😢
If you’re not really on good terms with your spouse or your spark is completely gone, it might be awkward to jump right into kissing or emotional conversations, but you can start with sending links to funny things you see online, or an appreciatory message about one thing they did or said.
From there you can buy ”just because” gifts, then later invite them to join you in a new shared experience that you’ve planned.
Little by little, the awkwardness will thin out and you will begin to enjoy each other’s company again. Hopefully, before you know it 🎇🧨🎆😀
I am working on doing more of tip #3, especially this summer, even if we have to drag these kids along 😂 . Which tip do you want to do more of? Let me know in the comments 😁.
Until next week,😎
With all my love❤️