Disclaimer: This post does not attempt to cover every aspect of discussing sex in courtship, it is basically a direct, straight to the point answer to a question asked.
Let’s get into it:
No discussion should be off limits to two people who are planning to spend the rest of their lives together, so I do not believe it is wrong to discuss sexual desires or expectations during courtship. In actual fact, it is probably necessary to discuss sexual expectations because your sexual life is also a part of the life you are planning to build together.
However, a lot of caution need to be applied. Here are some things to consider before engaging in a discussion about sex:
1. The duration of the courtship: if you just started courting or if you know marriage is still at least about a year away, why do you want to talk about sex now? It could be because you are more focused on your physical and emotional attraction to your intended. It could be because you are driven by lust at that point in time. It could be because you lack self control. There are several other issues in your present day to day life that you can and you should talk about, there are several other conversations you need to have to be able to determine whether this courtship should lead to marriage, and of course there are several other aspects of the future you are planning together, that you should talk about e.g spiritual unity, finances, parenting, in law relationships, vision/purpose etc. What difference will talking about sex make at the point where you’re at in your relationship? Is it going to be a deal breaker or maker? You need to be able to answer that question.
2. The location of the conversation: If your courtship is at a point where the decision to be married has been made, having considered spirituality, finances, character, emotional and social compatibility, consent of both families, and you both are inclined to talk about your sexual expectations, that’s great. However, it should be done in a public setting. I would not advise you to talk about sex, alone and behind closed doors, you may not be able to control yourselves. It could also be done in the presence of a seasoned and godly marriage counselor. Do not tempt yourself under the guise that we are going to be married and need to talk about this. You may not be able to control your desires. Remember scriptures says “Flee sexual immorality”, (1Corinthians6:18) so you shouldn’t be making room for it to happen.
3. The details of the conversation: what exactly do you want to know and why? What questions exactly do you want to ask? If you just go with the flow, you might end up with an unending conversation about your sexual desires or unedifying talks about sex, fanning the flames of a desire you can’t legitimately fulfill. Be wise. I do not believe anything useful will come out of asking a guy how long or big his penis is, or asking a girl how freaky she can get? I mean will knowing that information cause you to back out of the courtship? Yes, the answers may excite you, but will they edify you?
All thing are lawful(that is, morally legitimate, permissible), but not all things are beneficial or advantageous. All things are lawful, but not all things are constructive ( to character) and edifying (to spiritual life)1Corinthians 10:23(AMPLIFIED BIBLE)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.Ephesians 4:29 (NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION)
So yes, it is permissible for you to discuss sexual expectations as a part of preparing for your future together, but you must ensure that the things you say in that discussion will only build and strengthen you and your intended, not weaken you and cause you to sin against God and your bodies.
Here are a few questions I suppose you and your intended could answer for each other:
- What does sexual purity in courtship/marriage mean to you?
- In what specific ways do you think we can keep this courtship sexually pure so as to obey God?
- What does sex in marriage mean to you?
- What are your sexual expectations from me when I become your husband/wife?
- How would you respond to a situation where I’m unable to meet your expectations?
- What sexual activities do you consider off limits?
- Have you been sexually active in the past? If yes, what steps have you taken or are you taking to be free from those attachments (spiritually, emotionally, mentally)? Sex is a powerful mystery and the attachments formed through it don’t just disappear, they have to be consciously done away with through Gods help.
I believe these questions can give you an overview of your intended’s mindset about sex, which is really what you need. There are various issues that will affect your sexual life as a couple but when you have a good and healthy mindset about sex and you are agreeable in all the other aspects of your marriage(very crucial), it will be easy to keep adapting and working things out in bed.
Telling your intended how much you desire to be sexually involved with him or her is not something I’d consider helpful. I’ve been there and at some point I realized that when I control my mouth and keep such information to myself, yes I may be burning inside but by refusing to spread the fire to him, I’m helping us not to be consumed. And isn’t that the first duty of a wife : to help, not to hurt.
Pls note, if you are going to talk about past sexual life, be gentle and kind as you do so, so that your partner can talk freely. Choose a listening approach not an interrogatory one. Do not be judgmental, even if you are a virgin, no one is perfect, not even you. Try not to ask unnecessary questions that may only satisfy your curiosity yet negatively impact on your mindset about this person (such as how many partners have you had? what if they don’t know or can’t count, will it be a deal breaker for you? Or questions like where or in what positions?). At the end of the day, it really comes down to how much you love this person and are willing to forgive their past. However, If you do sense any unresolved sexual issues, advice them to see a counselor or therapist.
If you are the one who has been sexually active or maybe even abused, be truthful and be concise. Don’t give your partner nightmares or visions that will haunt him or her. Again I repeat, be truthful and concise! I also suppose this conversation may be best had with your marriage counselor present.
In conclusion, I understand that we are emotional and sexual beings and will always be intrigued by sex especially when we’ve not experienced it at all or with a particular person, so it will not be unusual to find yourself wondering or desiring, which might lead to you communicating those desires verbally. But you should not allow your emotions to get the better of you else it will lead you into trouble. Sex cannot be undone. Once this mistake is made outside marriage, the guilt and regret alone has the potential to destroy what you’ve been building as a couple, depending on how tender your conscience is.
To be honest, I cannot think of any conversation about sexual desires or expectations that has made any positive impact on my sexual life as a spouse right now, even though we had our fair share of “sex talk”, not all of which I am proud of. But over and again for the last five years since I’ve been married, I’ve been very grateful that I waited to be married first. I mean there have been moments when hubs and I have said out loud “Thank God we waited”( and in our case we are really thanking God because waiting 7 years wasn’t easy at all😂).
The spiritual freedom, the peace, the contentment, because we have no other past experiences with any other person, believe me, it’s absolutely worth waiting for. And now when we talk about it, we don’t have to make presumptions, which is mostly what you’d be doing if you’re talking about the details of sex before you’re married. We can talk without worry or concern about what might happen and we can make intelligent decisions about our sexual life as a couple because we now know exactly what it is for both of us, and we’re agreeable in other aspects of our marriage (sex is only one part of it, it’s not the whole).
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to clarify this crucial topic. If you think you need to talk to a marriage counselor, please see one. Feel very free to ask any questions or share your opinions on the matter, even if you disagree. I welcome it all.
Until next week😎,
With all my love❤️,