“I’m only going to tell you that 10000 times more”. I saw that quote in a parenting book that teaches you how to raise confident children and my mistake hit me square in the face.
I think I was more in tune with the Yoruba saying “will I keep teaching you as if I’m building a house?” And that was the approach I took earlier with the girls. I expected them to know, understand and manifest a skill or principle simply because I’ve taught them once or twice or thrice.
Have you been like that too? Have you found yourself asking “how many times will I tell you this? Or how many times have I warned you? Etc” . Before long, you’re frustrated, yelling or hitting. And in the process, your child begins to think “if mom or dad thinks something is wrong with me, maybe something is wrong with me? Why can’t I get it right and please mom?”
Well news flash, children have very limited working (short term)memory. They typically need many repetitions to move from hearing to applying. Hearing something once or twice does not automatically translate to mastery of any skill or behavior.
That a child forgets or fails to apply a principle after hearing it once or twice does not mean they weren’t listening, or that they don’t care, or that they are stubborn. It simply means their brain is still under construction. In order words be ready to repeat over and over again.
Of course, this can be frustrating. But I am quickly learning that my tendency to get easily flustered has little to do with my child, but more to do with my own emotional regulation and what I have long been conditioned to believe as the norm of parenting – which is teach once or twice, then lose control and yell and nag.
So what’s a parent to do – understand that this is the job – training. Parenting is essentially training by repetition. Not nagging under heightened emotions, but calmly and firmly reinforcing what the child must learn. Sometimes when my tone is not getting the memo, I verbally state “Mommy is not angry with you, I’m teaching you so you can master this”, “You can do this”. And immediately I see her demeanor soften as I also verbally remind myself of the goal.
Plus I keep finding out all the ways I can teach what I want them to learn specifically –
verbally stating it,
writing it out on paper together(with my visual learner),
making up a song about it(humorous),
rehearsing it during devotional reading (warm and intimate),
showing it in the scriptures (powerful),
pointing it out in cartoons (influential),
even discussing it in road signs where applicable (because I’m extra 😂).
The scriptures clearly state:
“Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.”
Deuteronomy 11:19-21 NLT
It is repetition that brings remembrance. It is continuous reinforcement of principles in the natural atmosphere of love and patience, that births flourishing children. It’s hard work, not cheap talk!
Scripture also states
“Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord. I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith.”
Philippians 3:1 NLT
I never get tired of saying this : Teaching is the core job of parenting. It’s not simply feed them, bathe them, clothe them, it’s teaching and communicating life long values.
In some cases, you simply need to put a structure in place to reinforce the behavior/skill you want to see. I did that, for example, by creating a daily checklist that states all the to-do’s to get ready for school and after school. This helps minimize school prep battles. With that, I didn’t have to keep telling them what to do, I only needed to remind them of the limited time they have to do it.
When time became an issue, I bought a timer, so I didn’t have to keep reminding, I simply set a time, because children don’t have a sense of time yet. Next I put the timer where they can visibly see it. All while offering verbal reminders, and stating consequences kindly but firmly.
Is it easy? No. Is it worth it, yes. Your children may not remember the process of you teaching them and the ton of work it is, but they will remember whether they felt safe and happy with you and this determines whether they can trust you with their mistakes. If you’re raising a girl child like I am, then you know that earning her trust is non- negotiable, so yelling and alienating your kid over small stuff? Don’t sweat it.
I’m sure this blessed you. If it did, then pay it forward by sharing to your mom friends, dad friends, or your WhatsApp status to bless other families. Let’s raise healed, healthy and whole families together. I’d appreciate that the most.
Rooting for you always,
Wonuola Omoghene.
P.S: don’t be a silent reader. What stood out to you the most? Let me know in the comments 👇