Courtship /Marriage

How to be sexually pure while dating.

It is a thrilling experience to get to know someone new (or in a new way). You’re learning things about each other and realizing how perfect a pair you both make etc.

However, as excited and happy as you are, if you are a godly person, you are probably concerned about your sexual purity walk as well.

Maybe you’ve caught yourselves a couple of times doing things you know you shouldn’t, apologizing and repenting afterwards etc. I’m very familiar with that.

I was in a relationship with my husband for 6 years and 10 months and it was a uphill task keeping our bodies in line with our beliefs on sexual purity.

So in love with him…

Thankfully we learnt how to live sexually pure before we went too far. And today we are most grateful for it.

Here a few ways you can stay sexually pure while dating.

Be Decisive about staying pure.

If you are on the fence about whether or not you will stay sexually pure, it’s only a matter of time before you fall into sin.

Do not have an attitude of ”I don’t know”, “if it happens fine, if not fine” or ”I don’t intend to, but what if I can’t help myself?”.

Decide clearly and firmly that you will not partake in sexual immorality in your thoughts or actions.

This next point will help you make a firm decision.

Keep the consequences of sexual sin in your mind.

I have heard someone say ”I know God says we shouldn’t, but if He were to judge everyone doing it, we’d all be in hell”.

Well, guess what, everyone unrepentantly engaging in sexual sin is going to hell. It cannot be any clearer than Revelation 21:8.

“But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death”. Revelation 21:8 (NKJV).

Eternity in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone isn’t worth a few minutes of sexual pleasure, I’m sure you agree! So, make a firm decision against sexual immorality!

Besides the eternal consequences of sexual sin, the immediate consequences on your relationship include:

  • guilt that weighs heavily on your heart,
  • loss of trust(if he can’t say no to me, can he say no to others?),
  • emotional insecurities(does he truly want me for me?),
  • the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy (contraceptives are not 100%),
  • Sexually transmitted infections (the surest and cheapest prevention is abstinence) etc.

Saving sex for marriage may not be easy, but it certainly makes life easier by freeing you from having to deal with the complications and concerns that accompanies sex with someone you’re not married to.

Be clear on your personal reason for sexual purity.

An added way to stay sexually pure is to have a picture of a personal, compelling reason for sexual purity in your mind.

I had a very clear picture in my mind of my teenage daughter walking into my room, sitting on my bed and asking me ”mummy, I know the Bible says it, but is it really possible to wait?”.

I wanted desperately to be able to tell her YES. This was at a time when I didn’t even know if I’d have a daughter or a son (now I have two beautiful daughters).

Like every mom, I want to be their role model😁

So, when all those emotions and pictures of ecstasy were rushing at me from every direction, I switch and think about her and I knew I had to do it for her. If she had only one example of sexual purity to look up to, I wanted it to be me.

Think about your life and ask yourself your most compelling (not too distant future) reason, paint a picture of it and hide that image in your heart.

Remember Jesus ”who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” Hebrews 12:2. That is the power of images. Paint one for yourself.

Control your thoughts

Sex doesn’t begin at penetration, sex begins in the mind!

To flee sexual sin like the Bible says, you don’t wait until your clothes are off, you flee the thoughts when it first drops in your mind.

If you give your mind a taste of the pleasure, by dwelling on sexual thoughts, your body will not be able to say no when you are actually experiencing it.

Control your thoughts by filling your mind with sexual purity scriptures, and it’d be easier to control your actions.

Date only someone who shares your sexual purity beliefs.

It is easier to live out your beliefs when your partner shares the same. So choose to date only people who agree with God and with you, that sex outside of marriage is a sin and should be avoided.

When you both agree on this, then you can decide on the practical steps you need to take to live sexually pure.

Your past does not matter if you have genuinely repented and are now willing to obey God with your sexuality.

Establish guidelines for how you date.

  • What would your dates involve?
  • How would you show affection?
  • Where would you meet?
  • What would you discuss?
  • What activities will you explore to get to know each other better and build a healthy and lasting bond?
  • Who will you be accountable to as regards your dating life?

These are some of the things you should consider and decide on before you date. When you decide in advance, it’d be easier to control your emotions instead of being controlled by them.

When preparing for marriage, discuss sex with caution.

I don’t believe there should be any topic off limits for two people who have decided to, and are about to share their life together.

However, when it comes to discussing sex life, a lot of caution need to be applied, because it’s a volatile subject that can lead you into sin.

Here are some healthy conversations about sex to discuss with your partner, so you can get a general idea about their thoughts and expectations for sex.

You should also focus on the spiritual aspect of preparing for marriage by praying for your wedding and marriage.

By doing so, you will be strengthened to continue to live sexually pure and you will also enjoy God’s favor, blessing, provision, protection etc as you prepare for your new lives together.

My personal experience

Before my boyfriend came to visit in those days, I would find myself “missing him”, thinking about being with him again, in his arms etc. Of course, when I eventually saw him, we would end up kissing and crossing boundaries we said we would never cross.

It was very frustrating to keep regretting the same thing over and again. But things actually changed when I decided to start thinking on sexual purity scriptures continuously before every date. My favorite was 1 Thessalonians 4:3.

As I began to do this, every of our dates became purposeful.

Instead of struggling to keep ourselves from making out, it became easy to explore interesting conversations, activities etc.

We actually enjoyed each other’s company so much more because it was filled with deep talks, laughter and joy (no guilt).

Here’s the secret

Your thoughts control your actions. If you spend your time wishing, imagining, dreaming about sex with your partner, you won’t be able to control your sexual desires.

Giving in to sex outside of marriage will fill you with guilt, destroy your trust for each other and fill you with insecurities about your relationship. You will never be sure if your partner truly wants you for you, without sex.

To be able to control your thoughts, click here to fill your mind with sexual purity scriptures.

Until next week,

With all my love.

Mrs O.

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