Over the years, I have written many words of advice to you, but today I want to go deeper, and really pour my heart to help you along on this journey of love.
First, let’s all agree that it’s hard to be single when you really desire to be married. People typically have a lot of advice for singles, about how fortunate or blessed you are to be single. It always sounds corny especially when it’s coming from someone who is married. Like if it’s such a blessing, why did you get married? I get it.
So before I offer any advice, I’d first admit that it’s hard to be single when you desire to be married. It’s hard to be “stuck” in one phase of your life when all you desire is to be in the next.
It's hard to enjoy today when you're so focused on tomorrow.
It was only after I got married that I realized why many people advice singles to be grateful for and make the most of that season. It was only after I got married that I realized the finality of marriage. A few months into my marriage, it really just hit me square in the face, there’s no getting out of this, no going back from here, this thing is final! I could never be who I was again, that chapter is closed, gone forever.
So if there’s only one thing I could say to you, that you would listen to, it would be this : Marriage is so final, it’s not worth rushing into.
Pastor Faith Oyedepo said “it is better to be single and believing God to get married than to be married and trying to become single”. As a single person then, that statement made me rest. I realized that no matter how long I spend waiting for the right one, it’s much better than rushing to tie the knots for a lifetime unsure of the man I’ve chosen.
A lifetime is too long to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.
I do not regret getting married at the time that I did because it was the right time and I married the right person for me. However, I realize now that whereas, when I was single, marriage was the dream, now that I’m married, I have to wake up and make that dream come true every day!
When you’re single, marriage is the dream; however, when you get married, you have to wake up and make that dream come true every single day!
So while being married is truly such a beautiful experience, it is only so to those who worked at it while they were single and who keep working on it as a spouse.
Therefore, even though I understand how strongly you desire to be with someone, I implore you to be patient, read these 5 great tips I’m about to share and put them to work.
#1 Keep improving on yourself
Attraction may bring two people together, but character is what keeps them together. So continue to improve on your character. Let me tell you, nothing changes at the altar. Who you are as a single person is who you’d remain after you get married, unless you choose to work on yourself.
Before I got married, I used to let my moods/emotions get the better of me. A whole outing with my boyfriend can be ruined just because something happened that I couldn’t let go off, and usually the offense even had nothing to do with him. It almost happened again at our wedding, until he firmly spoke to me about it. I have since learnt to choose my attitude regardless of my feelings. And I’m glad I did, because imagine how many things can go wrong in a day when you’re actually married and living together, not to mention with a demanding toddler and baby.
Don’t wait until you’re married or until you’re hurting your partner before you choose to improve on yourself. You know yourself and you know all those things that are not so good about your character, that other well meaning friends and family have complained about, so while you’re waiting to be found, choose to be a good thing by continually improving on yourself.
#2 Keep investing in yourself
Sometimes it’s so easy to get lost in the desire to have someone to call your own, that you neglect other aspects of your life. Don’t let that be you. Keep building your worth by adding to all the other aspects of your life, your academics, your career, business, ministry etc. Make goals based on these areas and follow them through.
If there was one thing I wished I did before I got married, it’s that I established my writing as a passive source of income. I didn’t grow up with little kids around and had no idea how demanding life as a mom of young children can be. Please learn from this. If you have a passion or a talent, don’t just treat it as an hobby or something you only do when it’s convenient, begin to take steps to establish it as a source of income, in case there comes a time when you can’t have or don’t have a paid employer. If possible, ensure that you are consistently earning from that talent or interest before you get married. It’d really help you.
#3 Keep praying for your spouse.
You will attract what you pray for. As a single person I read “The power of a praying wife” by Stormie Omartian and I wrote out a two page prayer for my future husband, which I pasted on the wall by my bed so that I don’t forget to pray for him every day. I believe strongly that those prayers led me to him, because he is an answer to it all and more.
Interestingly there was another guy in my life then, that I thought was the one, but somehow that friendship didn’t progress to a relationship. My continual prayers for him helped me steer clear of wrong relationships and helped me recognize him as my husband. You don’t have to know him to pray for him. In fact your prayers for him will help you know him when he comes.
#4 Keep your trust in God.
Your Father is the marriage maker (Gen 2:18), you cannot be a marriage beggar. Don’t take matters into your hands by trying to plant yourself in someone’s life. Yes, no one will find you if you decide to hide away from the world by refusing to socialize, but that doesn’t mean you should go somewhere because you want a particular guy or guys with a certain level of wealth to notice you or extremes such as this. Let God lead you. Trust that as you continue to serve Him, He will bring the right man your way.
Make friends and be friendly, but don’t force or cajole or seduce anyone into a relationship with you. At the end of day, you will never be sure if that person truly wanted you or just accepted you because you were available. This will cause you to either begin to over compensate to hold his interest or to begin to make demands from him just to prove his love. It’s a can of worms, don’t open it. Trust God and let a relationship be a natural progression from friendship and mutual agreement.
#5 Take your time before you tie the knots
If you’ve been single for longer than you desire, it’s easy to want to get married to someone you’ve only courted for less than a year because all seems to be well. Some of these marriages do work out easily and others don’t. Marriage is for a lifetime, it’s best to be safe and get to know someone really well before you sign a lifetime contract with them.
Getting married to someone you’ve known for a year or less makes it easy for you to ignore red flags and sweep issues under the rug because when the wedding date has been set, most people find it difficult to cancel. Also, you might not have enough time to see the person in different scenarios or to discuss various issues with them in a bid to uncover their perspective on life, marriage, parenting, work etc.
My husband and I courted for six years and ten months. While I would not advice anyone to do that as I myself consider it to be too long, I must say that I do not regret it. The foundation we laid during that time has made these first five years of marriage like five days to us. We know ourselves thoroughly, lol. Albeit, two years of courtship is what I would recommend or at least one year six months before wedding date is set.
If you have waited this long to meet someone suitable, surely you can wait 18 more months to make sure that a lifetime decision with him will be right… Do what works for you.
Now that you’ve read all these. Here’s what I want you to do, decide on the practical steps you will take based on it. If you don’t make the decisions now, trust me, you would forget and this article won’t have helped you in the long run. I’d give you a few pointers.
- What character deficiency will you begin to work on from today? (No one is perfect so be honest with yourself)
- What steps do you need to take to turn your hobby or talent into a steady stream of income? (write it out).
- You need a prayer guide to begin to consistently pray for your spouse, which one will you get, when and where will you get it?
I hope you’ve been inspired by this article. If yes, do three things for me:
1) Leave me a comment and let me know what part resonated with you the most (I really enjoy reading and responding to comments).
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God bless you.
Below is a message to matured singles by my mentor, Pastor Faith Oyedepo. If you want more practical steps to take to receive your desired miracle marriage, please watch this short video.